I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
