my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
