he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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