do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
