so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
40s are totally the cure
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
