I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
