This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
