woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
