its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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