At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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