i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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