The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
