Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
