the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
