I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
