i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
