mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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