she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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