I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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