somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
