I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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