i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The uberlube is also flammable
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
