please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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