We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
