Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
