dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
