Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
this must be what syphilis tastes like
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
