Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
