Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
