I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Congratulations! We have a period
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
