LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
