She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
