I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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