I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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