Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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