I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
