i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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