Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
