toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My friends, they love my intelligence
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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