I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I will be naked everywhere
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
