thus making me awesome and them whores
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
