I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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