no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
