This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
