I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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