nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
