I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
