Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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