Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
