Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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