I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
