Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
