My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
