I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
