I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize