You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
