If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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