I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
